Before Truett Ryan

In about three weeks my life will be completely altered. Our sweet baby boy will due into the world (August 10, 2018.) I will become a mother. I find myself suddenly a bit more sentimental and anxious to document the moment right now because I know that in the instant Truett Ryan slips into my arms I will not see life the same. My priorities will alter. My focus will shift. It makes me want to somehow capture this moment and these feelings. I feel challenged to somehow encapsulate the now so that once he arrives I can look back and understand my before. I am moving forward on the timeline and desperately trying to document as many milestones before that big marker is placed.

I feel like there are so many things that I have already missed that I so wish to capture the sweet memory of:

1. The day I took a positive pregnancy test after a year and a half of actively trying to conceive

2. All the tears, prayers and talks with God leading up to that positive pregnancy test

3. My entire pregnancy journey – how I have felt, my growing and changing body, Truett’s movements and everything about this time

4. Our first ultrasound appointment when we could see and hear Truett’s heartbeat

5. The day we told our parents

6. My baby shower

7. Meal prepping with my mom to stock the freezer

8. Spending 4+ hours setting up a playpen – really?

9. Watching Dalton build shelves to go in Truett’s room

10. Assembling the crib that was Dalton’s (this his father built) for our sweet boy

11. Finding out we were having a baby boy!

12. The wave of motivation I felt at my 35 week ultrasound seeing Truett’s tiny little face and knowing that I could do the hard work ahead to get him here so that I could meet him

13. Crying when I read Nancy Tillman’s book, You’re Here for a Reason, to Truett

Even now the moments are out of order and I have a hard time placing all the pieces of the timeline. I feel like this might be how I look at my moments with my sweet baby boy – desperate to grab them, document them, live them and somehow capture them so that I can look back to relive all the sweet goodness.

For now I am left with the present moment. Today I can capture how I feel.

I feel alive. I feel keenly aware of the moment right now.

I feel appreciative of the simple and uncomplicated.

I feel nervous about the next.

I feel excited about seeing Truett’s face for the first time.

I feel so in love with my husband.

The last thing I feel is convicted.

I feel convicted to let my son know how much I already love him. I may be scared and anxious to document the before, but I know in my heart that it is the after that matters. He is what matters. If my son one day reads these words, I would hope that he adds this to his own timeline – the day he read about his mother’s “before” and understood his importance and impact on everything.