Full of Contradictions: 1st Day of School

As teacher, I feel like a first-day-of-school-quickly-approaching blog post is necessary, but I have to preface my blog saying I am full of contradictions about the topic.

Contradiction #1

My heart is so excited about meeting new faces. I know that tomorrow when those bells ring, herding in new kids about every 45 minutes, those are the faces that over the course of the year will be engraving their goals, fears, quirks and hopes into my own heart. This year, my heart will have about 200 (well, not quite that many, more like 160+, but it might as well be 200) new markings on my heart from the precious beings that become a part of me. Although, while my heart is excited, my mind, which is never at rest, has so much fear inside. Can I be a good teacher again or were year one and two just a fluke? Do I know what I am doing? Will they know how much I care for them? Does what I am doing matter? Did I make the right amount of copies? Wait. What was even on the lesson plan again? My mind is constantly at battle with my heart. My mind is full of doubt, worrying, thinking and planning. My heart is racing, warming and anticipating. So, with my heart and my mind at odds, I feel numb. I feel like they are cancelling each other out. I simply do not know what to feel. Hence: I don’t quite know what I want to write. But I continue.

Contradiction #2

I will never be enough. Although it seems sad, pessimistic or perhaps even bitter, I know that this is an important mantra for me to remember. I will work hard, I will shed tears, I will loose sleep and it will never be enough. I will never do all that I want for the kids in the course of the school year. I will not get to every lesson. I will not speak every speck of wisdom I know. Simply put, there is not enough time. While this is true: I will never be enough, it is also true that I am more than enough. Again, my thoughts on teaching are at a point of contradiction. I may never be enough, but I also know that sometimes for my students, my smile will be more than enough. My corny, not-funny-at-all joke will be more than enough. My listening ears will be more than enough. My less-than-perfect lesson plan that felt like a flunk to me will be more than enough for them. I know that caring, teaching and providing for my students is not about being enough, it is about showing up and doing my best to give them more than enough despite the realization I will never be enough. Are you still with me?

Contradiction #3

Another contradiction. I dread the summer ending, and I love the school year beginning. I know that summer ending means less time spend with family, less sleep, more stress, and not enough hours in the day. I know that the school year beginning means more laughter, more challenges that fire me up and awaken me, more love in my heart and more realization of the power and worthy cause of my calling. It is a contradiction. I do not want summer to end, and I can’t wait for the first day to begin.

My last contradiction. I have nothing to say about the first day of school and everything to say. I cannot find the words for this blog because there are too many, so I will keep this post short. Here is my promise, despite all the contradictions: I promise to listen to my heart before my mind, I promise to not let the daunting realization of never being able to do enough stop me from being more than enough for my kids, and I promise to embrace all of my excitement for the first day of the school year as I let go of summer days and say thank you with a grateful heart for the rest they provided. Here goes nothing. And everything.