Note: I wrote this on June 30, 2015, and after five heartbreaking but soul-awakening days bedside with my grams, she passed on July 5 in the early morning hours.
As I write this, I am fully aware that my grandmother is slowly dying. Not the dying that we all face every day as we each pass away hours on the limited time piece of life, but she is actually dying. Her mind faded many years ago, little by little, but now, her body is starting to follow. There is very little spunk and moxie left in the shell that used to be the gregarious Maxine Kubart.
I have been praying really hard lately because of this. To be blunt: my grandmother was not the nicest for a lot of my childhood. She loved herself and her relationship with others, even her loved ones, seemed to take a backseat to this. I saw this most in my grandmother’s relationship with my mother. As long as I can remember, my mother was the caretaker of my grandma. Never was it my mother who was doted on and cared for, but in some sick and unfair twist, my mother was mother to her mom. Although, when I think more about it, while it be unfair, perhaps God knew what he was doing (I am a fool; of course He knew what He was doing) because my mother is the best mother in the entire world so who better to give the task of being another mother to more than just her daughter. My mom was supermom.
The reason my prayers have been so fervent lately is because of these things; my grandmother has not always lived out the decree to be kind and show love, but I know she still loved Jesus. My prayer is that even though her mind has faded, that God still knows her heart. My prayer is that even though her actions were often unkind and not always pure, He knows her heart believed in Him and looked to Him for saving. As far as I know, the Bible is a little blurry on things such as Alzheimer’s and dementia. How can my grandmother petition for her dying soul if she cannot even remember her name, how to go to the bathroom, or how to feed herself? This is where I see my role coming in: I will pray fervently for her. Dear Lord God, please take my grandmother into your welcoming arms. She did her best.
When I was younger, I often was mad at my grandma. She stole my limelight as the only child. She lived with us for many years under my mother’s care, and in my mind, she stole my mother away. She overtook conversations. She made me feel guilty for being a young child wanting my mother to love me the most. But, you see, my grandmother probably needed more love that I did. My grandmother lived a different life that shaped her into this person that wanted the attention. I wanted the attention for selfish reasons. My grandmother wanted the attention because she needed to feel valued and loved. I knew I was loved with every breath my parents breathed. My grandmother on the other hand, I think she did not have this. She faced years of abuse and hardship. What I couldn’t see as a child was that my grandmother was looking for what I already had, love and attention. I wish I could tell myself as a child: Michelle, it is okay you do not have the grandmother who dotes on you. Instead, God has given you the opportunity to love on her and dote on her like how you envision because God gave you the family to so perfectly model love. Now go out and show that love to your grandmother. But, no one whispered this to me as a child. Instead, growing up, I did not have the best relationship with my grandmother and I failed to loved selflessly. I failed. I still feel like I am failing.
But this is what brings me here right now. I am currently reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott because my new interest in blogging has me seeking to become better, and in reading about the act of writing, my heart stirred because I remembered my grandmother. Not my grandmother currently fading, not the grandmother I had jealously of as a child, not the grandmother that angered me as I saw my mother give so much of herself, but the perfect grandmother I always dreamed of, the grandmother that was full of love and the grandmother that I am praying and am confident God will greet at heaven’s gates. I remember like a flash of lightening my grandmother allowing me to curl in next to her and share my poems and stories. She would carefully listen, thinking about the words that her granddaughter crafted. I could see the look of pride on her face, and in those moments I had the perfect grandmother that I dreamed of. Even though, perhaps I did not deserve it.
Now, as my grandmother’s life ends, I just want to scream to the rooftops. Grandmother, you were enough. You were loved. You will feel His amazing love and kindness and forgiveness and graces and mercies and so much more as you walk into heaven’s gates. I want to tell my mother that she was chosen for her role, and that she should see it as a gift that God saw her talents and allowed her to serve Him by using them.
And, I want to tell one thing to God: I am sorry I was not the perfect granddaughter, and I am sorry that even with the wisdom and words I have now, I still do not show perfect love, but I want to thank you for loving me anyways and giving me the gift (although I see it as undeserved) to know that my grandmother is about to receive what she deserves and sought after for so long: perfect love. Thank you God for soon giving my grandmother what I never could, and I pray that you give me strength and please pass down the talents of my own mother to myself. I need her talents because I hope I can mother my mother as she grieves this loss. I want to take on the challenge you gave me long ago: to give perfect love. As my grandmother finally gets this gift, I want to live out Your mission for me and give my mother that gift too: perfect love only made perfect through Your graces.
To end, I want to finish with my grandmother’s own words. She wrote these on the news of my arrival. Another glimpse that I did in fact have a heavenly and God-given grandmother.
A Star Has Fallen!
A star has fallen and put in our care
A baby girl for us to share.
The light with her that did descent,
On love, devotion and care depend.
Given the three cares above,
Our returns are a sweet child’s love.
The house was a house before she came,
Now it has been given a brand new name
HOME!!!
-Grandmother Maxine Kubart-
Grandmother, my perfect vision of you as my grandmother, I want to write down on paper as my final gift to you. Curl into His lap just like I did to you when I was a child, and know that as I read the words you so perfectly crafted, I am proud of you just like you were of me when I read to you my own creations. I am listening carefully just as you had to me, and I am blown away at your creation of words. Thank you for giving me the gift of writing, and I pray that somehow you can hear this final blog and have that same feeling of pride in me as your granddaughter like you did when I was a little girl reading you my ghost stories and silly rhymes. This one is for you grandma. I love you.